That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
You Might Also Like
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
He’s dead
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.