Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
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The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.