Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
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5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I have no passwords left in me
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
this post was so formative to me
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.