You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
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Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
This January has 47 Mondays
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐