6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
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Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Weighing up my bread heating options
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
You know…for fall…
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Worth a try
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.