[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
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[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
WTF IS THAT!
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.