[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
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I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell