I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
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wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?