[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
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I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.