Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.