I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
You Might Also Like
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.