My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
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Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…