Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
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Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
spot the difference
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?