I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
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There’s only one good girl here!
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I’m awake but I object,
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day