if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
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Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.