Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
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me irl
Sex so good you see dead people.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
can you read it!!??
maan!
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!