HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
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I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.