My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
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I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
this is what they would have looked like, though
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.