Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
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‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Good point.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Why soy sad?
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”