quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
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I thought this was funny lol
for all #parents out there
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Weirdly Wednesday.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING