[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
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I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes