Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
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[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Noah was an idiot.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.