Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
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Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
These are too funny not to post 😂
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
socratic questions
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.