Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
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72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
S M O L
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013