no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
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I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.