Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
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*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
the official breakfast of 2021
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.