Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
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Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
My whole life was a lie.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*