I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
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An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Meanwhile in Canada…
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]