“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
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People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here