I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
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Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Seas the day!!!!
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Writing, She Murdered.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.