*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
You Might Also Like
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon