Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
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I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.