[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
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My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
If snakes were wide
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice