Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)