Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
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Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
How actors in movies eat their food
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.