Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
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Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you