She was rare, like a goth jogging
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After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My daily affirmation
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.