ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
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ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
back to work
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over