A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
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Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.