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morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick