My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.