listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
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Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.