Only Americans understand
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I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
#dalle2
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.