Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
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Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Batman v Dracula
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.