You’ll be OK
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I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*