I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
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I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
You can’t outrun your problems…
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.