amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
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All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…