Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
You Might Also Like
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
A new level of troll.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.