I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
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Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.