king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
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Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.